Dragging from Holiday Fatigue? Prioritize your mental health.

Holiday brain drain is real.

I love being the one to love, nurture, and create environments of gathering hearts. But, it’s a brand New Year and I almost fell into the holiday trap of utter exhaustion. Why?

Because for the last month and a half, I have been the family ringmaster.

As an only child, single parent, and solopreneur, I am the “CEO” of three households, two horses, two almost adults, two geese, one Great Pyrenees, and the random “partridge in a pear tree” (who shows up inevitably without warning). I have been coordinating the travel, preparation, and festivities for my children and recently widowed mother.

Sound familiar?

Being the proverbial protein source of the sandwich generation is an age-old problem.

The demands during the holidays inevitably amplify that practice. Stressors from family obligations, work, and (fill-in-the-blank) surprises create emotional and physical drains that can be exhausting. It sneaks up on you in quiet ways that we are not always aware of.

My dad passed away last Christmas eve, and we were all particularly tenderhearted this year. He was present in shadow even as we toasted and laughed. His absence haunted me at night when it was quiet. I would wake with little understanding of why I could not sleep. After a few weeks I realized I needed a good cry and soaked my pillow with tears. My body kept track, of course, and my fatigue grew.

Before this epiphany, I was sleep deprived. I lost my phone in the closet, put my coffee mug somewhere random multiple times per morning, and felt like an over-toasted marshmallow with my center melted out.

Several generations were relying on me for a myriad of simple things that weighed down my sleigh until it threatened to tip over. After years of being on the knife-edge of exhaustion I had sworn to never go back. This time, I listened to the warning signs and found a quiet space to recenter myself with compassion and regain my resilience.

I thought of the root cause of my burnt marshmallow feeling, and reminded myself to care for my own mental health. I began with a cleansing breath to music I love to play during my focus work and let my mind relax. Using progressive relaxation, I felt warmth and energy flow back into my body. I reminded myself that what matters is all around me. My family.

How I make them feel during these days is what they will remember.

They won't remember I am legit tired from being the chauffeur, the source of forgotten toothpaste, chef for hungry bellies, and ringmaster of ceremonies. It is not their fault that I hold myself to a very high standard and was overtaxing my body and mind in the process. As brain researcher, Lisa Mosconi, the director of the Women’s Brain Initiative and associate director of the Alzheimer’s Prevention Clinic at Weill Cornell Medical College states,

“As we juggle madly, society pushes us to do so without breaking a sweat, with broad smiles on our faces, and all the while keeping an eye on the mirror to make sure we “look good” in the process” On the long list of societal, cultural, and familial demands on women, our being healthy just doesn’t seem to make the cut. It doesn’t take a scientist to point out that there is something askew here.”

I have pledged myself to a healthy brain lifestyle.

I want to act as a brain sentinel. But, my boundaries were seriously tested. “Mom guilt” notoriously whispers bad advice. Taking that moment to recenter reinforced my resolve to relish this time. After all, I will never have this Christmas again and it will not matter to anyone but me if it isn't perfect. I fought instead to make it positive, loving, and a time to be cherished for me too. (yes, #HOLIDAYS4METOO)

“Holiday” is by definition a day of festivity or recreation when no WORK is done. (Haha, right?)

In years past that was true of everyone in my family BUT the grownup women. This year, I recognized the trap and shifted that narrative before I hit complete exhaustion.

I promise to continue to get better at breaking the glass ceiling, because if not me, then who?

If I don’t change this pattern, who will? My daughter? My granddaughter? It begins now. I want to spend time with my family, not perform for them. Because I don’t know who might be missing next year. I refuse to be so busy that I miss the important conversations and loving banter because the napkins weren’t folded just right. So I cheated and outsourced the veggie trays and used paper plates for the desserts. Was I capable of doing the Martha Stewart holiday platter? Absolutely. But, I said no this year.

This year I chose to go skiing with my daughter, watch the fireworks on the downtown mall, and gather my family close for Jenga, puzzles, and rounds of Mancala.

This year, I am playing the games, not on the sidelines as the water girl.

I intend to continue shifting how I play the game of life every time I am tempted to do it all.

I am no longer going to count how many balls I can keep in the air with perfection. I am keeping my eye in contact with what matters, the beautiful eyes of those I value.

To those I value, I see you. I see you watching me too. For too long I was caught up in that impossible and awkward obstacle course at the expense of my own wellbeing. I hope you care for your mental health and let the things that truly don’t matter roll away.

Life is short and meant to be relished with full attention. Every holiday spent working too hard is another lost to busyness, not meaning. I, for one, am not playing that game another holiday.

It may take a few rounds of the game board to recognize when that cultural lure has me fooled, but I made a great start this year. I am celebrating that as my biggest gift.

I encourage you to care for your own mental health and enjoy the art of crafting your mind each day. Just because we were promised we could “have it all” doesn’t have to mean we have to “do it all.”

I wish you and yours a beautiful new year and a bold, bright, and brilliant mind.

Make this year the best one yet!

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

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