The Ugly Sweater Conundrum: Think…and communicate before buying gifts during the holidays
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Gifts at the holidays are complicated.
We have all experienced opening that gift from Aunt Mabel while she beams at you across the room and felt our heart sink as we pull out something we would Never…EVER…have bought for ourselves. Yet we put a smile on our face and thank her for the lovely thought.
According to economist Joel Waldfogel,
“We value items we receive as gifts 20 percent less, per dollar spent, than items we buy for ourselves. Given the $65 billion in U.S. holiday spending per year, that means we get $13 billion less in satisfaction than we would receive if we spent that money the usual way—carefully, on ourselves.”
So, why do we give gifts?
Buying a gift is considered a thoughtful gesture of connection, love and intimate knowledge. It is an offering of the heart, a tradition, or a sometimes simply a superficial obligation sent from the boss’s assistant.
Finding the perfect gift is a signal that you truly care and took the time and effort to look for what that person would value. This is also why giving cash is considered a bit tacky, even if they would be 20 percent happier with buying their own gift.
But, finding that perfect thing can be very challenging. If you misjudge and the gift doesn’t resonate, the consequences can be quite thorny . This has led to more than a few marital disputes, eye-rolling employees, or disgruntled teens. Buying the perfect gift truly tests our emotional intelligence.
The Lure
A massive advertising campaign in inevitable around the holidays. Ads attempt to lure buyers with assurances that it is the “perfect thing” for that hard-to-buy for person. The true motive, of course, is simply to boost sales. Economic signaling theory describes the strength of the signal or message to the buyer. Sellers will pull all sorts of tricks to amplify that signal. The pressure is on to buy gifts and holiday roll-outs are coming earlier every year. We clearly fall for it, or it they wouldn’t bother spending thousands on promotions.
When your behavior does not match your values, cognitive dissonance occurs which creates stress.
We SAY what we value is time with our loved ones, but the expectation is that we buy “stuff.” This leads to the shopping scramble which eats away at our time with no guarantee that we get the right thing. Some are more gifted at hitting the bullseye (usually those with a high EQ), but according to Waldfogel, most would prefer something else. He is so adamant about this, that he wrote a book on the subject called Scroogenomics: Why You Shouldn’t Buy Presents for the Holiday.
Aside from time lost buying gifts we really don’t want, many people are going into debt to do it, which despite what the holiday hawkers want you to believe, is NOT good for the economy.
Since 1970 the growth in consumer credit has exploded. By Waldfogel’s estimation, “one-third of holiday spending is still not paid off two months after Christmas.”
To me, this is missing the point of what the holidays really mean and similar to aiming at a moving target with a blindfold. It usually does not end well. Your gift ends up at the next white elephant gag party and the recipient doesn’t have the courage to tell you they hate the chia statue you gave them. How is that for strengthening family ties or boosting employee morale?
Buying stuff is not the same as expressing care. So what is the answer?
Think…and Communicate.
Truthfully, few of us want our loved ones to be disappointed or go into debt for two months to get us gifts we don’t need or want. Human relationships are extremely crucial to our mental health. We need healthy interactions and boundaries to foster that, not stress.
So sit down and talk about what makes sense and aligns with everyone’s values.
Perhaps it is getting one great gift “Secret Santa” style with a price cap for extended or large families. To ensure it is the gift wanted, collect wishes in a jar at Thanksgiving to take the stress out of choosing the right gift.
Maybe it is attending the Nutcracker together, going skiing, or having your own white elephant exchange. Perhaps it is a gift to a charity of their choice, or a bonus to ease the expenses of the holidays for employees. If expensive gifts are the love language of those close to you, that is ok too, but a conversation around desired gifts certainly doesn’t hurt.
If it IS money they want, there are lots of creative ways to give cash that brings a smile. My aunt started this fun tradition and my kids are always eager to see how I will do it after asking them that question, which I do every year.
Eight fun ways my children have loved getting cash
A money shirt, origami-style with coin buttons.
Russian nesting dolls with bills wrapped in each (gorgeous cultural design for my daughter and football players for my son).
Bills hidden in cozy socks in their stockings.
A book by a favorite author (or a journal) with money in the pages.
Roses made with money.
A Hawaiian lei made of coins and bills
A series of nested boxes (taped like Fort Knox) that start with a giant box and end with a wad of cash inside the tiniest one.
Cold hard cash. I froze coins and dollar bills in a bowl of water in layers, and packed it in a box that I gift wrapped right before opening (Biggest hit so far!)
I have a suspicion that taking the guessing game and shopping scramble out of the mix may give the gift of time, refocus your attention on what matters, and decrease stress. If you really want to offer a thoughtful gesture of connection, love and intimate knowledge, spend time getting to know your people. Listen to them. Make memories.
Staying in alignment with your values instead of the proverbial “ugly sweater” will very likely strengthen the relationships that matter and keep them coming back for more quality time with you.
Happy Holidays!